I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize