dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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