I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
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