Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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