I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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