halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
