He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
