I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
