No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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