He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize