Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
