i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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