Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
