hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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