If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
