so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
