I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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