Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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