im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it because I queefed?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
