I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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