i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
