the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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