I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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