Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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