I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
