On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
