Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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