I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
