Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
