just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Did we literally take a cab across the street
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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