Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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