Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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