she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
