I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
