she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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