btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
