Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
two words...techno handjob
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
