you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
