All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize