How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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