dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
