If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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