i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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