party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
