Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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