Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
