Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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