I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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