I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
