I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
