after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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