i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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