the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
