I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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