a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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