He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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