Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
